Guilt Ridden
by Augustana Rae
Summary: Max is upset with herself, post Kidz, and punishes herself with some rash actions that bring unhappy consequences. Something a little on the darker side. I'd like to think it's an intriguing idea, but then again, I wrote it. :)
1. transgressions

Title:Guilt Ridden

Author:Augustana Rae

Rating:R(umm, again may be overrated, but there is some swearing and some sex even though it's not very explicit.I guess I just reread it and think I wouldn't want my son or daughter reading this.)

Disclaimer:I don't own them, not making any money… yada yada

Summary:Max is upset with herself after leaving Logan's, post "Kidz," and decides to punish herself.

Author's notes:Just something short and very possible.I was reading all the L/M fics and I wish they would just get together, but that's never gonna happen for a long time!Anyhow, this is kinda more realistic and is just a moment in time in Max's head.Poor girl.

****

The rain sloshes down around me, in that horrible state between real rain and hail.I don't really care.The stinging is annoying but it doesn't hurt.I wish it did.I feel like I should be punished for walking away again.I can never be what he wants me to be.That's just not who I am.I shift and speed up into the blackness of the night, willing myself to be swallowed up in the abyss and let everyone forget me.And let my tortured soul rest.I can't see very well through the hazy storm, but I'm not really concentrating on the road anyways.If an oncoming car hits me it will be a blessing to this world.

My hair is becoming matted down and flops awkwardly in the cold wind.It's starting to freeze, to turn into ice like the rest of me already is.I feel my body growing numb, inside and out, and I no longer notice the ends of my icy hair whipping into my face as I accelerate even faster.What the hell is wrong with me?I drive forever in endless circles, desperate to search for meaning somewhere, not wanting to go home.To do so would be to acknowledge there was no hope for me.I think there's something in me that wards people away.Maybe I'm incapable of love.I grip the handles in frustration as I try to hold back tears.I never cry.What the fuck is wrong with me?

The rain continues as it always does in my life.I'll probably get pulled over by the police.Good.I drive through a town I don't know.I don't think I've ever been here before.I pass a dumpy looking bar and on impulse roar up, elicting stares from a few of the men hanging in the doorway.Good.

I park and saunter in, my anger simmering on the inside and I glance around noting the hungry looks I am drawing.At least someone wants me.I sit down at the bar and order a beer.The liquid won't actually cause me to feel anything but I'd like to try anyways.The first guy to amble over looks heartbreakingly like him with the glasses and the hair…I turn away in disgust.I can't look at that all night.

Another guy buys me my second beer and he smiles kinda slimy like, his dark hair greased back, his eyes crazy.He is young and looks viable.How picky could I be?As we walk out of the bar he puts his arm around me and I fight hard to keep from cringing.I deserve this.We walk to his hotel room, a weasley old dump across the street, and he is pressed against me as soon as he turns the key, his clumsy hands grouping, his breathe reeking of alcohol.

Our teeth clack together and the feeling of disdain spreads further, yet my guilt overrides it.His hands are rough and calloused, his touch abrasive, hurting me even though it is not possible for me to be hurt.We are on the floor between pizza boxes and porno magazines and he doesn't even wait for all our clothes to come off.As he pushes into me I cry out and he smiles at my seeming passion.

I close my eyes and see Logan's face contorted, masking his pain, and that is even more painful than the man above me.I open my eyes, unable to bear that torture, and focus on the dull ceiling.Every thrust is a painful reminder of all I can't give him and all that I've done to disappoint him.I can never be with him.I'm not like him.I try to forget, but the man takes forever and when he is finally spent he lays heavily on me, his breathing coming with difficulty.He tries to kiss me on the temple and this is the worst of all.I lie there, my hair melting in a puddle around me, and try not to cry.

This is what I have picked.I can never deserve him.There is a snoring next to my ear and I grimace.I feel filthy and violated, unclean in so many ways.But it doesn't matter.If I'm not with him, nothing matters.And he doesn't need me.He doesn't want me.I finally let the tears come, and they rush out.I try to stifle my sobs but find I can't move.The dead weight is pinning me down and my stomach contracts in fear as I realize I've lost control and have no idea what I am doing.I truly am a lost soul.

I visualize his face involuntarily and want to vomit.I am so stupid.How could I have been so stupid?The tears come again and I know I've gotten what I've deserved.And I didn't deserve him at all.This is what is left for the dregs of society.Why did I ever think there could be more than pain?That is all I know.I stare at the ceiling for eternity.The gray walls have more subsistence than I do.I am empty without him.There's only the pain. 

Fin??


	2. the agony

Title:Guilt Ridden (part 2)

Author:Augustana Rae, [AugustanaRae@hotmail.com][1]

Disclaimer:I don't own them, I'm not making any money.Don't sue me.

Rating:This part's PG-13

Summary:Max realizes the consequences of her actions.

Notes:I'm not sure how much I like this and if I don't want to leave the other part alone but I figured, hey, what the hell!JI can always delete it anyways if you all send me flames!Also, if someone wants to beta for me that would be appreciated.My stories currently aren't and probably should be, so drop me a line if you're interested!Thanks so much!

****

I stare at the little white thing.It has to be wrong.It has to.I shake my head in denial as anger and despair well up inside me.It's blue.Fear joins the swirl of emotions that overtake me as I throw the plastic against the wall and it shatters into my face.I start to cry and sink to the floor.What has become of me?I'm a mess in the woman's bathroom.I pray no one else comes in and sees me like this.What the hell am I going to do?What the hell have I done?I've ruined everything.

Sob after sob escapes me as I double over in pain.Not like this.It wasn't supposed to be like this.I cry and cry.After an eternity the tears go away as if I've used them all up.I sniff and wipe my eyes with toilet paper, attempting to harden my resolve, and my features become a mask once more.I try to wait a minute to get the glassy look out of my eyes, but I know Normal will be on my ass if I take any longer.I quiver a little on my first step but gather myself and wander out hoping to appear confident.

"You alright?" Normal asks me as he hands me a brown envelope.Isn't he the caring friend.

"Yeah, just got something in my eye," I say half-heartedly as I brush by trying not to meet his eyes.I hop on my bike and my feet move mechanically.I feel like I'm not even here.Everything is hazy and a fog has settled over my brain.I make the run and barely notice as a car whizzes by and honks its horn at me.I blink and keep on riding, vaguely remembering that I'm supposed to go back to work.

I make the turn to head back and suddenly there he is in front of me and I am jolted from my haziness.I've only seen him a few times since then and the meetings have always been formal and somewhat strained.He doesn't trust me anymore.And here he is in his righteous glory, looking at me with concern in those crystal eyes of his, making me want to melt with joy and be hit with lightning for my infidelities at the same time.

"Hey," he says in that way he does.My heart breaks as I am hit with the reality of all I've done to him and how I don't even deserve to be talking to him.

"Hey," I repeat, averting my eyes.Looking at him gives me too much pain.How could I have disappointed him so bad?

"You alright?"His words echo Normal's from not that long ago but this time they seem accusatory and I feel as if a knife has just cut into me.

"Yeah."I know he doesn't believe me by the look in his eyes.The thread of fear that had been festering flares up in my stomach as he inches closer.

"Right."So he won't even argue.It would have been better if he did.At least I would've known that he cares.Instead he just thinks I'm a lying whore.And he doesn't even know how true that is.

"I gotta blaze, I got work to do," I reply, trying to get away desperately.It pains me too much to even be near him and see the disapproval and disappointment in his face.Why did I always screw everything up?

He lets me go, watching with sadness etched into his features and I don't blame him.I ride down the street and try not to look back and try not to cry.I can't let him see me cry.I don't deserve to be upset.I don't deserve anything.I don't go back to work and find myself in front of my crib again more out of habit then out of actual effort.I turn on the shower and sink down on the floor, letting the hot water run over me, trying to get clean.I let my tears mingle with the water as I hug myself.How could I have screwed things up so bad again?I don't deserve to be alive.The water is too hot for comfort, but I shouldn't get that priviledge.I sit there forever.For the first time in my life I have no idea what to do.

What do ya think?Too much?Too little?Should I go on?(Review me please! J)

   [1]: mailto:AugustanaRae@hotmail.com



	3. atonement

Title:Guilt Ridden, Chp 3. Atonement

Rating:R

A/N:Let me know what you think.These are getting beta read right now, so I'll be new and improved soon.Probably not the best way to do things, but oh well!JAs always, comments are welcome!([AugustanaRae@hotmail.com][1])

****

All of my life there has always been pain.So constant that I scarcely notice it now.I seek it, like some demented person who's addicted, but it's so much worse than any other addiction.And now this.

Just another day.And yet everything's different.The night is harsher and in the darkness I see the shadows looming over me, waiting to capture me if I plunge into sleep.To steal my soul that hardly exists, and now to steal the life that dwells within me.I hate this world.I hate the grime and the love he doesn't feel and the way my body aches at night.I'm not supposed to feel anything.And now tears come to me when I think of him.What have I become?I'm human.Except I'm not.I can never belong.He doesn't want me.And now I've been outcast.

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling.Sleep won't come to me.I've even been deprived of that.I try to count the holes in the ceiling but there are too many and I bite my lip to suppress a sob as I am drowning in the night.I shift restlessly.I am incapable of being happy.Fate, that bitch, has screwed me over for the last time.What the hell am I gonna do now?

After an interminable amount of time the light comes, stretching across the sheets and over my body.I watch it creep over me and try not to think of his eyes or the ecstasy that would be his touch moving in the same patterns.I'm so unworthy.I lie like a dead weight, unwilling to face the world one more time.Maybe if I hide under the covers it will never come.And I will never have to tell him.

My steps are leaden as I get ready for the day.I go through the motions without seeming to move.I can't think about anything.If I do, I won't ever leave my room.The sun is in its full glory now and I am being blinded.I blink in oblivion as I brush my hair.I let my music wash over me but I don't even hear the melodies.I'm empty.

The cool morning air does not faze me as I continue through my dismal life.I blink and the minutes slip by, and then the hours, and then the days.The only thing I feel is a dull ache in my stomach as I hope I don't see his familiar number on my pager.I know I can't live forever like this, but I can't bring myself to face the truth.It's like I don't even exist anymore.There's only the morning sickness and the feeling of emptiness that never dissipates.

And then it happens.He pages me.I feel a wave of nausea passes over me as I stare at the little numbers in horror.I can't say no to him.I can never say no.I try to stretch out my shift, fearing the inevitable.But the time passes too quickly, as it always does when you don't want it to.I'm at his apartment, staring at the door.I study the patterns in the wood trying to get over my anxiety.I reflect on the intricacies of the design, wishing everything was simple once more. Suddenly the door is thrown open and I jump back in surprise, staring at the man of my dreams and nightmares. 

"Hey," he says, a smile tugging on his lips, his coat thrown over his arm."I was just going out.But I don't have to."Our eyes meet and I feel as if I'm under a microscope.His eyes are so intense and I know he sees right through me for who I really am.The nervous ball in my stomach swells ten times larger and I avert my eyes, hoping he's not as perceptive as I know he is.

He backs up to let me in, and I step in front of him, struggling to keep my emotions in check.It pains me to look at him in his chair.To face the knowledge of all that I've done to him.He must hate me.We go to his living room and I sit down stiffly on the couch.

"Are you alright, Max?"His eyes look as if there is genuine concern but he doesn't fool me.No one could care about me.

"Why wouldn't I be?"It comes off a little more biting than I had hoped, but maybe he would get the point.He wheels a little closer to the distress of my nerves.

"You tell me…"I should've known he wouldn't have just dropped it.He knows me so much better than that.How did it get to be that way?

"I'm fine, Logan.Really."I look into his eyes and try to reflect the confidence I know I should have.My training comes back to me in a flash, like I never even left, and suddenly it is easy to lie again.He is the enemy after all.I don't know how I've exposed myself to him so much, but that has to end now.He doesn't care for me.He never did.

He comes even closer.What is he doing?His eyes search my face but I reveal nothing. I am a stone, reflecting the blankness that I have become.

"Max," he whispers, and I feel my walls wavering slightly.He's so close, and his hand comes up to brush my face and the tears that I hadn't realized were gathering under my eyes.As his skin touches mine, one falls down, and I stiffen even more.His fingers sweep over my cheek so softly.But he doesn't love me.I know he doesn't.I cry at the deceptive sweetness.If only he knew…

"I want to help you…"He leans closer so I can smell him and see the stubble on his cheeks and where each hair originates.I can see the pores of his face and the reflection of the light and me in his eyes.He's so real, and here he is in front of me.I try to keep up my barricade and pretend it doesn't affect me, but the tears running down my face betray me.

His lips come closer still and I can't look away.They brush mine ever so slightly and guilt sears through me as flashes of another night run through my memory when I close my eyes.The kiss is like a caress from a mother, soft and loving and sweet, an incredible contrast to my previous encounters.His lips linger, but I push him away.Everything in me screams at the loss of contact and an intense chill rushes over me.But I don't deserve this.

"Max…"He is still so near.He looks so innocent.So righteous."Let me help you…Please."My heart breaks at his soft words.I've done so much to him.How can this be happening?But I've always never been able to say no to him.How could I?After everything…And it feels so good.

His lips find mine again and my eyes slide shut once more, losing the rest of the world.It feels wonderful to have his arms on me and his soft tongue pressing against mine.I know it is a lie, but I don't care anymore.I swallow my guilt as his hands move deliciously.I want him so bad.I just want to forget.

I find myself on him and my hands moving of their own will.Our bodies press together, hungry for atonement, desperate for love.I know this is so wrong but those thoughts are pushed to the back of my mind as his hands dip beneath my waistband.I revel in the feelings.At least instead of emptiness it is wistful thinking.We moan together when our bodies join, heated, slick with sweat.My hands wrap in his hair and I never want to let go.

As we come to our crescendo I feel an incredible sense of guilt.My crying is stifled by his mouth.As I lie against him, my head pressed on his shoulder in the aftermath of bliss, the tears slide down fresh.I've failed him again.If only he knew me.If only he knew all of me.This is all I can give him now.I hope it is enough.

   [1]: mailto:AugustanaRae@hotmail.com



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